Green V. Yellow

Superheroes movies are a dime a dozen these days. Due to the dramatic leap in movie making, CGI, talents of Hollywood and a genuine lack of imagination we will see heroes whether you know them or not. Apparently, they will make the movies whether you like them or not as well.


Still, above the fray stands one hero that I have never cared about but have recently found intriguing. For one, he is the most powerful. He doesn't just care for truth, justice and the American way. He cares for all of those things plus the rest of the universe. This hero is none other than...

You guessed it, Ryan Reynolds. Much in the same vein as Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Reynolds carries a healthy dose of arrogance that not only permeates through every character that he plays but seems to fit the motif of many superhero universe characters. I think it stems from having your abs be the center of too many photo ops, personally. No, I'm not jealous. I even supported him when the show was called Two Guys, a Girl AND a Pizza Place (still wondering why you write a pizza place out of a sitcom, it kept me watching).

There is only one thing that can take down Ryan Reynolds aka Hal Jordan aka The Green Lantern. It is...wait for it...wait for it...the color yellow? That's right! The only thing that can demoralize this intergalactic hero is yellow. For we all know, yellow is the color of cowardice (and generic baby gifts for those too stubborn to find out the sex of the child ahead of time). This color yellow would bring him down and put a stop to his green glowing shenanigans. His imagination would be harmed and thus there would be no wonderful weapons to demoralize those that would harm sector number...well, I don't know THAT much about the universe. I did see it in 3D though. That must give me some qualifications.

If you have not seen the movie, I'm sure that you have figured out who the enemy is...I suppose this is time for a spoiler alert. Sorry, but here it goes, GL versus...

That's right, all hopped up on HGH or blood or whatever the kids use these days there is a yellow terror that comes in the form of Lance Armstrong. Given power from his yellow jersey and equally photographed abs of steel, the Strong attacks not only the streets of Paris and the mountain stages of France- but he intends to attack the universe!

I know this is all disconcerting to many of you. Right now, palms sweaty and visibly shaken you can only hope to contain the terror that dwells inside of you. Well, I might be getting a little overly dramatic here. OR AM I?!?

This couldn't have come as a shock. Teammates accusing him of (not sure what, I should probably research better next time) THINGS. As most Americans (and Charlie Sheen, of course) you probably let WINNING be your aphrodisiac. Do not be lulled by this cycling guru. Look only to his past associate/girlfriend, the one and only Sheryl Crow.

"My friend the communist, holds meetings in his RV."
--Sheryl Crow/Soak up the Sun

Need I say more...the yellow has turned RED! Devastating I know, but you must be warned. I would bother to prepare more logical points but that is NOT the American way. You will have to see the movie for yourself...that IS the American way.

Note: All parts of this blog are fictional except the parts that are true. Good luck finding out which is which.