Learning to Listen

Every time I hear someone talk about listening better, I think they are talking directly to me. It might be in a small group setting. It might be sitting amongst a large congregation. I still feel the word listen penetrate me absolutely whenever it is mentioned.

                I’m conditioned to not listen. There are several factors that limit my listening ability. Actually, it’s not even my fault. Certain preconditioned elements make up who I am. I speak rather than listen because:

*I’m a man, baby (aka I was born that way). The invention of the DVR pause button has helped to squash a little bit of manliness. Bravo to the inventor of this miraculous machine. It is a magical device that allows me to press pause on both important sporting events and hilarious one-liners from various sitcoms. Still, I can’t help the genetic makeup that allows me to ignore (in particular) female voices while visions of “great” importance dance across the television screen.

*I debated in college (I was taught that way). I studied communication ad nauseum, and it was mostly how to effectively communicate to others (at least the parts I listened to). Debate is point-counterpoint. I was expected to answer and to tell you why you are wrong.

*Many I have encountered aren’t listening (environment). Let’s face it; many we encounter in life suffer from a grave disease. It causes one to think about what they are going to say next instead of listening to the person they are talking to.

                Yet, I still fight the urge to not listen. The war I wage is occasionally successful. I would give it 50/50. This probably mirrors my success rate in attempting to stop repeat trips to the buffet.  A few years ago, I received a little bit of help. I sat in a study of a book by John Maxwell (Learn More Here). In the study, one comment really stood out to me. Here you go...whenever you are in a meeting, be the last person to speak.

                This stood out because I don’t think to that point I had actually ever done it. I’m opinionated. I know in my heart of hearts that people really, really want to hear why I have to say. Why wouldn’t they? Before you answer that, and inevitably hurt my feelings, let’s go back to that speaking last thing. It seems that your opinion is more informed if you listen to everyone else first. Also, if I don’t talk as much, people will typically listen to me more.

               

                These are novel concepts I know, but I stood enlightened. From that point on, I make a vow to be the last person to talk in a meeting. This has led to weird standoffs with really quiet people, but it has led to being a better listener. Through that, I have been better…better husband, father, friend, pastor, and counselor. Notice I didn’t say good, just better.

                Last month, I was sharing this story of my great discovery of speaking last and not first. Of course, it was with a friend who had just spoken about listening. Again, out of a few hundred people, I felt like he was just talking to me. But the name John Maxwell sparked a common bond. He had just listened to Maxwell at a conference and he had gone off script. In addition to his designated message, the very wise man named John shared some questions that he asks people. When he wants to get to know them better, he poses one or more of 7 specific questions. Questions that are designed to take us beyond the weather and the score to last night’s game. They are designed to put us in a position to listen.

7 Questions To Ask (By John Maxwell)

1.      What are the great lessons you’ve learned?

2.      What are you learning right now?

3.      How has failure shaped your life?

4.      Who do you know that I should know?

5.      What have you read that I should read?

6.      What have you done that I should do?

7.      How can I add value to you?

     My personal favorite is number 6. It was the first one I learned and “used.” I asked to question to a man that I had talked to for a few days. I was given the opportunity to listen and know him through the tale he told me in response to that simple question.  Days of casual conversation and I hadn't really listened. We had exchanged information, but I hadn’t really learned anything.

    Over the last few weeks, I have gotten the chance to meet new people. Those encounters have been new experiences that I look forward to. I have a chance to meet different people. I have a chance to get to know smart and interesting people. I have an opportunity to listen. Jesus listened a lot. He met a woman one day that he knew so well, that she couldn't help but be impacted.

"Come, see a man that told me all that I ever did. Can this be the Christ?" --John 4:29

     I could never know someone that well if I keep on talking. I head to New York at the end of the month. Its a trip designed to meet others and communicate a great truth to them. I think I'll take some time just to listen. I...can't...wait.  

    Of course, I will never relinquish my one superhero power. It is the power to tune all things out while I watch TV. What good is a superpower if you don’t use it? After all...

"With great power comes great responsibility." 

                        --Uncle Ben/Spiderman