Sorry Virginia, there is no laser show

What you see here is a fake.  Yes, a fraud perpetrated upon the unsuspecting public.  Doctored photos that have been posted online... stories from loved ones, the ones we are supposed to trust...a sham perpetrated by the granite- obsessed public spread far and wide across the state of Georgia.

You might be confused, so let me start at the beginning...

          Let's start at the very beginning
         A very good place to start
         When you read you begin with A-B-C
         When you sing you begin with do-re-mi
                           --The Sound of Music

It all started as an impressionable and fun-loving youth.  The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and I was apparently remembering song lyrics to random musicals that would stay with me for the rest of my life (thank you Julie Andrews). There was a game my brother and I played.  A game that somewhere went horribly wrong.  What happens when mere tomfoolery becomes the bedrock in which one must believe?

The game was quite simple.  Certain things did not exist...
Here are the rules:
     Things do not exist if...
                  #1 We have never seen/experienced them ourselves
                  #2 We had never met anyone that had been there/experienced them themselves

Armed with these two simple rules, the world became a much more fun albeit smaller place.  We quickly decided that Montana and Wyoming did not exist...there are probably only 30 or so states anyways.  Why would people make up the existence of states?  Simple power play, plus everyone likes round numbers.  Fifty states sounds like way better than thirty-one (don't believe me, why do you buy more Subway foot longs at $5 than at $4.95).  This game received much validation when on a road trip, I fell asleep and awoke in Houston County and passed by Houston County High School in "Alabama." The exact places I had left hours before in a state that did exist-Georgia. Still, all that said, it was just a game.

Fast forward to last Friday. I had long heard the tale of the Stone Mountain "Laser Show."  Notice the quotes...My debate partner spoke passionately about the splendor of this supposed show and the "emotions" it evoked. My own wife had long talked about the many wonders of the "laser show."  Finally, last Friday I made my way, a pilgrimage if you will, to THE Stone Mountain Laser Show.  We packed blankets to sit on, bottles of water in the (overly stocked cooler in my opinion, I had to carry it), and found chairs to carry because we apparently needed multiple options for seating.




Stone Mountain-Opiate of the masses

In good faith I made the trek to this overgrown boulder in the hopes to view lights in all of their laser-like glory. But alas, the laser show never occurred. In retrospect, I am not surprised.  For years, conversations went like this:

     Me: I've never seen the laser show.
     Laser show enthusiast:  What?!!!! You've NEVER SEEN the laser show!!!!

My message to you...Neither have you my friend.  Neither have you. True, those at the park all seemed surprised and disappointed by the absence of lights directed at said mountain.  And rain, thunder and lightning seem on their face to be reasonable enough reasons to cancel a "laser show."  I still say it was a trick.

                         I don't appreciate your ruse ma'am.
                  I beg your pardon?
                 Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
                                        --Clerks

Here was my laser show...

Notice if you will the specks on the lens.  No, they are NOT lasers!  That is water aka rain aka pouring rain accompanied by electricity that flies through the air with intent to harm your person (that just sounds bad, there ought to be a law).

You know, its not really me that I'm worried about.  I always knew this was a possibility.  The laser show a gigantic laser con, passed on to unsuspecting tourists around the greater Atlanta area.  A wild, desperate attempt to drive tourism; taking money for parking and providing no artistically driven laser entertainment for the masses.

"You grow up the way I did, you gosta undastand Trick love the kids."
                     --Trick Daddy







As we all know its the kids that pay the price.  Unsuspecting, with a child-like naivete they stood so proudly in anticipation of the lights that would not come.  Who would perpetrate such a thing upon the children?  Who would stand up and say...Sorry Virginia, there is no laser show *sniff*

Green V. Yellow

Superheroes movies are a dime a dozen these days. Due to the dramatic leap in movie making, CGI, talents of Hollywood and a genuine lack of imagination we will see heroes whether you know them or not. Apparently, they will make the movies whether you like them or not as well.


Still, above the fray stands one hero that I have never cared about but have recently found intriguing. For one, he is the most powerful. He doesn't just care for truth, justice and the American way. He cares for all of those things plus the rest of the universe. This hero is none other than...

You guessed it, Ryan Reynolds. Much in the same vein as Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Reynolds carries a healthy dose of arrogance that not only permeates through every character that he plays but seems to fit the motif of many superhero universe characters. I think it stems from having your abs be the center of too many photo ops, personally. No, I'm not jealous. I even supported him when the show was called Two Guys, a Girl AND a Pizza Place (still wondering why you write a pizza place out of a sitcom, it kept me watching).

There is only one thing that can take down Ryan Reynolds aka Hal Jordan aka The Green Lantern. It is...wait for it...wait for it...the color yellow? That's right! The only thing that can demoralize this intergalactic hero is yellow. For we all know, yellow is the color of cowardice (and generic baby gifts for those too stubborn to find out the sex of the child ahead of time). This color yellow would bring him down and put a stop to his green glowing shenanigans. His imagination would be harmed and thus there would be no wonderful weapons to demoralize those that would harm sector number...well, I don't know THAT much about the universe. I did see it in 3D though. That must give me some qualifications.

If you have not seen the movie, I'm sure that you have figured out who the enemy is...I suppose this is time for a spoiler alert. Sorry, but here it goes, GL versus...

That's right, all hopped up on HGH or blood or whatever the kids use these days there is a yellow terror that comes in the form of Lance Armstrong. Given power from his yellow jersey and equally photographed abs of steel, the Strong attacks not only the streets of Paris and the mountain stages of France- but he intends to attack the universe!

I know this is all disconcerting to many of you. Right now, palms sweaty and visibly shaken you can only hope to contain the terror that dwells inside of you. Well, I might be getting a little overly dramatic here. OR AM I?!?

This couldn't have come as a shock. Teammates accusing him of (not sure what, I should probably research better next time) THINGS. As most Americans (and Charlie Sheen, of course) you probably let WINNING be your aphrodisiac. Do not be lulled by this cycling guru. Look only to his past associate/girlfriend, the one and only Sheryl Crow.

"My friend the communist, holds meetings in his RV."
--Sheryl Crow/Soak up the Sun

Need I say more...the yellow has turned RED! Devastating I know, but you must be warned. I would bother to prepare more logical points but that is NOT the American way. You will have to see the movie for yourself...that IS the American way.

Note: All parts of this blog are fictional except the parts that are true. Good luck finding out which is which.

I want my TweetTV

I have come to both love and hate social media. I love Facebook. I even love the movie "The Social Network." If you haven't seen it yet, I find it mesmerizing and hilarious. My favorite scene of the movie...

"Eighteen thousand dollars. In addition to the one thousand dollars you already put up? A total of nineteen thousand dollars now?"

"Hang on. I'm just checking your match on that. Yes, I got the same thing."

You can sense the sarcastic place this film holds in my heart. The idea is so simple. Everyone wants there to be a party. Everyone wants to be invited to that party. That is why I enjoy the 500 "close" friends I have on my Facebook page (sarcasm again...). Still, I get to have a strange but small interaction with those that I have crossed paths with at the various intersections of life.

Mocking and taunting both me and those who are simply computer illiterate is one outlet that I have come to despise. I have a name for my pain and thy name is Twitter. I truly don't really understand the appeal of twitter. Perhaps one would understand this more if I were to say: #nogettweets. Did I do that right...not sure? I've always been behind the times. By the time I was given an atari 2600 nintendo had hit the shelves. Then nintendo was mine, only to be slapped in the face with SNES and Sega hitting the market. Still life wasn't that bad...dad did choose VCR over Beta max. Score one for the good guys.

You might think that my problems stems from my tweeting inadequacy. There is a chance this is just sour grapes. You might have a point, but I think it runs deeper. Lets say that Cody Lundin (from Dual Survival fame of course) were out in some strange wilderness location. Encountering a source of water we couldn't just simply stoop and drink. We would need a filter. That filter could mean the difference between a cool, satisfying drink or vile sickness and vomiting.

Another great quote from aforementioned movie:

"It didn't stop you from writing it. As if every thought that tumbles through your head was so clever it would be a crime for it not to be shared. The internet's not written in pencil, its written in ink."

ESPN, you are better than this. I don't need tweets from Lebron in the middle of the night giving me the #champsorbust and I certainly don't care if he is taking folks to Benihana. Minnesota punter, don't care if its too cold in the North during January and your tootsies are too cold. 1) Man up 2) You are a punter and get paid a LOT of money to kick a ball 3)Please find others to be a sounding board before you put such stuff into cyberspace. In other words #cyopeeps...

Freedom of speech means freedom to say what you want. It does not mean however freedom from consequences. Random streams of consciousness are only good in blogs certainly not in tweets. Despite my having a twitter account and never checking it, I am still subjected to twitter on a daily Sportscenter basis. I have learned that in life I am only willing to go so far. I will throw out vhs tapes and swap to DVD. I will not go blue ray. I will join social media, but twitter you are the bright line, the line in the sand. All I can say is #enufisenuf...

We are the World...25 years later

Just had the chance to contrast and compare "We are the World" versions today. I would start by saying that I am amazed at the choices they made for musicians in the newest version. Of course, I was taken back by some of the singers in the original. Musicians such as Randy Jackson, Kanye West, Tony Bennett, and Barbara Striesand help to fill the modern roster of talent. Seems like an eclectic group, and I am sure that is what the song is going for-that sense of the variety of the world. Of course, Bob Dylan, Cyndi Lauper, and Tina Turner seemed to me to be strange choices at the time as well (guess this gives away my age a wee bit).
I would think that after 25 years, we might have learned a little more to care for others. Alas, that obviously isn't the case. For example, Bono goes around feeding kids and hanging with the HIV positive and get pulverized for his troubles by any media surrounding him. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt become tabloid fodder as opposed to poster adults for taking care of kids that cannot take care of themselves. Michael Jackson, the only one to appear in both videos, is remembered for the many mistakes he made as opposed to the work that he did. I don't think that I'm going to light candles around any of the "star" pictures that have been mentioned in this paragraph. The point remains that we don't look to the cause but to the short comings. If you don't believe that statement, listen to any sports show talk about Tim Tebow.
My real disappointment lies in the fact that a new song wasn't written. We don't need remakes by modern stars. We need all of those with resources to care, period. For me, the modern version fell short because it wasn't really meant. Of course, they don't want people to die, I concede that fact. Here is the difference, when I heard the original, I really felt that through what choice I made, I would be saving lives. There was a raw emotion and empathy that peppered the entire song. This was that generations cry out to the world that we need to make it a better place.
The cause hasn't changed, but we have. Others suffer but we have become more and more immune to that fact. We have watched dead body after dead body through the nightly news during Vietnam to me watching the Gulf Conflict on the floor of my 8th grade GA History class. Millions infected with HIV/AIDS around the world...do you notice that we rarely speak of the disease anymore. I guess since we have fixed the problem for Magic Johnson, then others will be better off left to their own devices.
We don't talk about the hungry because we are not hungry, we don't speak of the homeless because we have a home, and we don't hear the constant pleas of others because we are too busy screaming socialism, bad health care and me, me, me! The core of this song seemed to means something to the previous artists that sang it.
American Idol always has judges making the comment of whether a contestant makes a song their own or not. To Josh Groban, Pink, Lil' Wayne, Celine Dion, and Miley Cyrus...you are all talented (as much as it pains me to say that to some of you) but bring your own voice. That means bringing your own message in a way that is clearly yours. Until you do that, then our concerns were voided 25 years ago.
There is "a choice we're making, we're saving our own lives..."tell us how its our choice because its a choice you make not copy from others nostalgically. This isn't a misty duet between Nat King Cole and his daughter, this is a call to action. Find a way to convey that and realize that you are in no way as talented as Stevie Wonder (sorry, couldn't resist Beiber).

Bully Beatdown

So I have discovered a new show that is near and dear to my heart. It goes by the name of "Bully Beatdown." I haven't watched MTV since they stopped showing music, so it has been a good 15 year hiatus. Still, through the magic of my guide on my dish network, I was able to catch the title for this fantastic show.
The premise is simple. Take one bully who essentially ruins peoples' lives in ways that we only thought possible in the movies. Then you take them to the octagon for some MMA fun. The host is ridiculous (mostly because he likes to see bullies get theirs and he has the power to do take them down himself if he so desired). With $10,000 on the line the bully trains, signs a waiver and then goes head to head with an actual MMA star. Needless to say, typically the bully gets beatdown and in turn apologizes to the guys he has picked on. A beautiful ending to a not so beautiful story.
Here is where the problem lies though...in the beginning. One such program brought a guy who just looked to fight anyone weaker than him. He even had a video of one such fight in which he was putting the moves he had learned from tv on this weaker guy. The moves weren't as impressive to me as the t-shirt he wore. On the side was a symbol I've seen quite a few times. It was the cross associated with FCA or the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Overwhelmingly, this means nothing. Many times Christians belief but fall short.
So I watched the next episode. It involved a Texas hockey player that liked to chew and pick on people. The massive silver cross around his neck stuck out to me. Later, when he went to the octagon, his shirt was off with the cross tattooed on his arm.
This seems to me to indicated a bigger problem. The cross has become a pervasive symbol in our society. It seems alright to accesorize with it, tattoo it, or whatever else one desires as long as it doesn't lead to an actual conversation about the one who died on it. That is not to mention the fact that a pronounced Christian should be the one protecting, not the one bullying.
I am thankful that I get to see guys fight and have to admit some secret joy in a bully getting what he "deserves." That after all is the American way and who am I to buck that system. I still ponder our place as Christians. Bullies or protectors...maybe we should go back to the those bracelets if that is what it takes for us to be conscious of what Jesus would do...