Sorry Virginia, there is no laser show

What you see here is a fake.  Yes, a fraud perpetrated upon the unsuspecting public.  Doctored photos that have been posted online... stories from loved ones, the ones we are supposed to trust...a sham perpetrated by the granite- obsessed public spread far and wide across the state of Georgia.

You might be confused, so let me start at the beginning...

          Let's start at the very beginning
         A very good place to start
         When you read you begin with A-B-C
         When you sing you begin with do-re-mi
                           --The Sound of Music

It all started as an impressionable and fun-loving youth.  The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and I was apparently remembering song lyrics to random musicals that would stay with me for the rest of my life (thank you Julie Andrews). There was a game my brother and I played.  A game that somewhere went horribly wrong.  What happens when mere tomfoolery becomes the bedrock in which one must believe?

The game was quite simple.  Certain things did not exist...
Here are the rules:
     Things do not exist if...
                  #1 We have never seen/experienced them ourselves
                  #2 We had never met anyone that had been there/experienced them themselves

Armed with these two simple rules, the world became a much more fun albeit smaller place.  We quickly decided that Montana and Wyoming did not exist...there are probably only 30 or so states anyways.  Why would people make up the existence of states?  Simple power play, plus everyone likes round numbers.  Fifty states sounds like way better than thirty-one (don't believe me, why do you buy more Subway foot longs at $5 than at $4.95).  This game received much validation when on a road trip, I fell asleep and awoke in Houston County and passed by Houston County High School in "Alabama." The exact places I had left hours before in a state that did exist-Georgia. Still, all that said, it was just a game.

Fast forward to last Friday. I had long heard the tale of the Stone Mountain "Laser Show."  Notice the quotes...My debate partner spoke passionately about the splendor of this supposed show and the "emotions" it evoked. My own wife had long talked about the many wonders of the "laser show."  Finally, last Friday I made my way, a pilgrimage if you will, to THE Stone Mountain Laser Show.  We packed blankets to sit on, bottles of water in the (overly stocked cooler in my opinion, I had to carry it), and found chairs to carry because we apparently needed multiple options for seating.




Stone Mountain-Opiate of the masses

In good faith I made the trek to this overgrown boulder in the hopes to view lights in all of their laser-like glory. But alas, the laser show never occurred. In retrospect, I am not surprised.  For years, conversations went like this:

     Me: I've never seen the laser show.
     Laser show enthusiast:  What?!!!! You've NEVER SEEN the laser show!!!!

My message to you...Neither have you my friend.  Neither have you. True, those at the park all seemed surprised and disappointed by the absence of lights directed at said mountain.  And rain, thunder and lightning seem on their face to be reasonable enough reasons to cancel a "laser show."  I still say it was a trick.

                         I don't appreciate your ruse ma'am.
                  I beg your pardon?
                 Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
                                        --Clerks

Here was my laser show...

Notice if you will the specks on the lens.  No, they are NOT lasers!  That is water aka rain aka pouring rain accompanied by electricity that flies through the air with intent to harm your person (that just sounds bad, there ought to be a law).

You know, its not really me that I'm worried about.  I always knew this was a possibility.  The laser show a gigantic laser con, passed on to unsuspecting tourists around the greater Atlanta area.  A wild, desperate attempt to drive tourism; taking money for parking and providing no artistically driven laser entertainment for the masses.

"You grow up the way I did, you gosta undastand Trick love the kids."
                     --Trick Daddy







As we all know its the kids that pay the price.  Unsuspecting, with a child-like naivete they stood so proudly in anticipation of the lights that would not come.  Who would perpetrate such a thing upon the children?  Who would stand up and say...Sorry Virginia, there is no laser show *sniff*

Green V. Yellow

Superheroes movies are a dime a dozen these days. Due to the dramatic leap in movie making, CGI, talents of Hollywood and a genuine lack of imagination we will see heroes whether you know them or not. Apparently, they will make the movies whether you like them or not as well.


Still, above the fray stands one hero that I have never cared about but have recently found intriguing. For one, he is the most powerful. He doesn't just care for truth, justice and the American way. He cares for all of those things plus the rest of the universe. This hero is none other than...

You guessed it, Ryan Reynolds. Much in the same vein as Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Reynolds carries a healthy dose of arrogance that not only permeates through every character that he plays but seems to fit the motif of many superhero universe characters. I think it stems from having your abs be the center of too many photo ops, personally. No, I'm not jealous. I even supported him when the show was called Two Guys, a Girl AND a Pizza Place (still wondering why you write a pizza place out of a sitcom, it kept me watching).

There is only one thing that can take down Ryan Reynolds aka Hal Jordan aka The Green Lantern. It is...wait for it...wait for it...the color yellow? That's right! The only thing that can demoralize this intergalactic hero is yellow. For we all know, yellow is the color of cowardice (and generic baby gifts for those too stubborn to find out the sex of the child ahead of time). This color yellow would bring him down and put a stop to his green glowing shenanigans. His imagination would be harmed and thus there would be no wonderful weapons to demoralize those that would harm sector number...well, I don't know THAT much about the universe. I did see it in 3D though. That must give me some qualifications.

If you have not seen the movie, I'm sure that you have figured out who the enemy is...I suppose this is time for a spoiler alert. Sorry, but here it goes, GL versus...

That's right, all hopped up on HGH or blood or whatever the kids use these days there is a yellow terror that comes in the form of Lance Armstrong. Given power from his yellow jersey and equally photographed abs of steel, the Strong attacks not only the streets of Paris and the mountain stages of France- but he intends to attack the universe!

I know this is all disconcerting to many of you. Right now, palms sweaty and visibly shaken you can only hope to contain the terror that dwells inside of you. Well, I might be getting a little overly dramatic here. OR AM I?!?

This couldn't have come as a shock. Teammates accusing him of (not sure what, I should probably research better next time) THINGS. As most Americans (and Charlie Sheen, of course) you probably let WINNING be your aphrodisiac. Do not be lulled by this cycling guru. Look only to his past associate/girlfriend, the one and only Sheryl Crow.

"My friend the communist, holds meetings in his RV."
--Sheryl Crow/Soak up the Sun

Need I say more...the yellow has turned RED! Devastating I know, but you must be warned. I would bother to prepare more logical points but that is NOT the American way. You will have to see the movie for yourself...that IS the American way.

Note: All parts of this blog are fictional except the parts that are true. Good luck finding out which is which.

I want my TweetTV

I have come to both love and hate social media. I love Facebook. I even love the movie "The Social Network." If you haven't seen it yet, I find it mesmerizing and hilarious. My favorite scene of the movie...

"Eighteen thousand dollars. In addition to the one thousand dollars you already put up? A total of nineteen thousand dollars now?"

"Hang on. I'm just checking your match on that. Yes, I got the same thing."

You can sense the sarcastic place this film holds in my heart. The idea is so simple. Everyone wants there to be a party. Everyone wants to be invited to that party. That is why I enjoy the 500 "close" friends I have on my Facebook page (sarcasm again...). Still, I get to have a strange but small interaction with those that I have crossed paths with at the various intersections of life.

Mocking and taunting both me and those who are simply computer illiterate is one outlet that I have come to despise. I have a name for my pain and thy name is Twitter. I truly don't really understand the appeal of twitter. Perhaps one would understand this more if I were to say: #nogettweets. Did I do that right...not sure? I've always been behind the times. By the time I was given an atari 2600 nintendo had hit the shelves. Then nintendo was mine, only to be slapped in the face with SNES and Sega hitting the market. Still life wasn't that bad...dad did choose VCR over Beta max. Score one for the good guys.

You might think that my problems stems from my tweeting inadequacy. There is a chance this is just sour grapes. You might have a point, but I think it runs deeper. Lets say that Cody Lundin (from Dual Survival fame of course) were out in some strange wilderness location. Encountering a source of water we couldn't just simply stoop and drink. We would need a filter. That filter could mean the difference between a cool, satisfying drink or vile sickness and vomiting.

Another great quote from aforementioned movie:

"It didn't stop you from writing it. As if every thought that tumbles through your head was so clever it would be a crime for it not to be shared. The internet's not written in pencil, its written in ink."

ESPN, you are better than this. I don't need tweets from Lebron in the middle of the night giving me the #champsorbust and I certainly don't care if he is taking folks to Benihana. Minnesota punter, don't care if its too cold in the North during January and your tootsies are too cold. 1) Man up 2) You are a punter and get paid a LOT of money to kick a ball 3)Please find others to be a sounding board before you put such stuff into cyberspace. In other words #cyopeeps...

Freedom of speech means freedom to say what you want. It does not mean however freedom from consequences. Random streams of consciousness are only good in blogs certainly not in tweets. Despite my having a twitter account and never checking it, I am still subjected to twitter on a daily Sportscenter basis. I have learned that in life I am only willing to go so far. I will throw out vhs tapes and swap to DVD. I will not go blue ray. I will join social media, but twitter you are the bright line, the line in the sand. All I can say is #enufisenuf...